Challenges and Insight

This has been a week where I was given a challenge, felt a challenge and gathered insight. I’d say that’s a productive week. The challenge came from Pastor as we prepare for Friends Day at the church coming on February 27^th. Each week he has laid out a special challenge for us as a church to do, to help prepare our hearts and minds for Friends Day. This week the challenge was to memorize Matthew 17:18-21. I had to break it down into segments and I do still trip over the wording but for the most part I have it. Just typing it from memory it’s:

And Jesus rebuked the devil, and he departed out from him, and the child was cured from that very hour. And the disciples came to Jesus apart and asked “why could not we cast him out” and Jesus said if you have faith as a grain of a mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain remove hence from yonder place and it will be removed. For this kind comes only from prayer and fasting.

Going back to my bible I see where words are missing and even a full sentence as the scripture reads:

And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour. (Got that right)

Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, why could not we cast him out? (Got that right too)

And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; for nothing shall be impossible unto you. (Forgot “because of your unbelief” and messed up the end a little, didn’t even have the last part of the verse)

Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting. (Ah yes, “howbeit” and goeth instead of comes not out by)

I’m still working on it though. :0 Next week is where I’m a little more nervous but I’m excited at the same time. Next week’s challenge is to fast 3 meals. I’ve never fasted other than when I had to have blood work done and it was overnight, blood drawn early in the morning and off to breakfast I went. I can usually fast breakfast without thinking too much about it but then my husband challenged me there too. If fasting is easy, is it really fasting for God? Isn’t fasting supposed to be the giving up of something for Him? I truly don’t know. I need to do my research, get all the facts and do this the right way.

So that was the challenge I was given. The challenge I felt came from my constant worry and anxiety over our financial well-being. Getting notices on an every other day basis doesn’t help me to put that anxiety at bay for long. But I have a wonderful husband who quoted a beautiful section of song to show me that we will get through this. Then (of course this had to be a Wednesday) at church that night Pastor was preaching on trials and struggles and how we should embrace them, entertain them, welcome them. For if God is putting us through this trial or struggle it’s because He deems of worthy of the refiner’s fire knowing that we will learn from this, we will grow from this and that the true test of our faith will be seen through this. Man, talk about a slap in the face. My true faith colors are not passing I can tell you that. I want to give in to the flesh, give up when times are rough, and rely on someone or something else to make it better or easier instead of trusting in God, praying to God or doing for myself what can be done. This is something that I know I will continue to work on and probably struggle with daily but then I’m reminded of the verse where he says “you have not because you ask not” – if I’m taking this burden on my own shoulders, not asking for help, how can I be mad when help doesn’t come? See, I’m learning so much these days J

The insight comes in realizing that finally, after saying I never knew what it was like, the Word is speaking to me. I find myself with highlighter in hand as I begin my reading each day. I have made up for a little of the lost time in my Bible reading this week by covering some of the smaller books of the Bible, reading more than just 2-3 chapters yet I’m always highlighting something. Whether it’s a word or a phrase or a situation, it’s speaking to me and I find great joy and insight in that because I realize that means God is with me. I’ve always said it, always had it in the back of my mind but yet always wondered as I see His presence in the big things of life but not the ordinary every day. What a beautiful motivator, to feel God with you! Could it be that the changes I’m trying to put forth are showing for the work and cause of Christ? I don’t know, only time will tell.

Money = The Root Of All Evil!

Man can I admit to that saying now. Money is one thing that can stress me out quicker than anything in this life and that includes my children on days they are particularly fussy. As the scripture says “the borrower is servant to the lender” and in our case that couldn’t be more true. Josh and I have struggled more than we care to admit over the past few years. It’s a situation where you live and learn but in our case we are wondering if we’ll make it out alive! We should have saved more when we were making better money and had no children, we should never have accrued so much credit card debt, we should have looked into our options when it came to student loans (which are one of our sorest issues right now) and we should have planned ahead better than we ever did. Now we finally have the children we always wanted and we can’t always provide for them in the ways that we’d like. Sure they always have food and milk, clothes on their backs, a nice warm house to sleep in, beds to sleep in, etc. But sometimes we’ve had to ask/borrow from my parents or my grandma and that just eats me up inside.

When I was a child/teenager I worked to help pay for those things that I wanted or needed. I paid for my first car, I paid for my insurance, I put the gas in, etc. I used to pride myself on having things so together. For being only 20 years old when we bought our first home (never did I imagine that 8 years and 2 kids later we’d still be in that same house) and for never having a late notice that wasn’t by accident or anything shut off. I saw my friends go through issues in this area, not being able to afford to buy a home, having cell phones, cable, internet, lights, etc turned off….and I could never imagine going through that. Now I’m getting letters and calls from the mortgage company asking if our home is still being resided in and if we need help saving it from foreclosure. Oh, what a heavy heart this gives me. How did we end up here? How do we get out of this darkness and back into the light? Is there a purpose behind this entire struggle?

Sure I have great plans of savings and paying off debt but how do I get there if we are consistently behind from month to month. We always have more month left at the end of our money which carries us into the next month which in turn causes us to pay yet one (or two or three) more thing(s) behind and so the cycle flows in our house. Our monthly debt is seriously $1000 less than what we bring in on average per month. And with this $1000 we are supposed to get groceries each week (with two kids in diapers), get gas in our vehicles to get us back and forth to work, to tithe off the top our 10% first fruits, pay a babysitter to watch our kids so that we can both go to work…….do you see where the math just doesn’t add up? We are always in need of more and yet to earn more seems to require us to spend more. This is why I get so discouraged sometimes. I just want what is best for my family, how do we do that and still get by without the income to pay the bills in full each month? We can’t qualify for a loan to get us caught up because we are behind on our payments, not to mention our debt to income ratio is already far above what they are willing to lend to. We can’t ask anyone else for money knowing that while we intend to pay them back, with our debt and struggle it would take quite some time.

Lord, I know it’s a selfish request but please help us out here. Know that our intentions are good and pure. It’s you that we serve in this life, it shouldn’t be our debt. But until we find a means of getting out of our debt we continue to be a servant to the lender. The evil lender has us until their control and they are taking from us what we’d rather give to you, rather save for the future, for our children, and so much more. We give you thanks and praise for always providing for our needs but now, as much as I hate to say it, we need more than just that. We need some extra. You’ve given us extra lately and we’ve paid things off we’ve felt some burden lifted in a time where we needed it and we thank you. We didn’t squander that extra on frivolous things; we spent in where it was needed – on hospital bills. Now we need it to catch up our mortgage, to get us caught up on the month so we can start the next month fresh and on top of things. Lord, we need your guidance on how to lessen our spending. We already have done so by quite some bit but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I know that the other option is for Josh or I to get a second job but that takes us away from each other and the children in a time of life when I feel they need us most. However, if this is your will for our lives than show us, give us the sign or the nudge and we’ll go. Lord, let us be a testimony for you in yet one more way where we can lift our hands and say “only by the grace of God have we made it through this fire.” It’s in your name that we pray, expecting great things, AMEN!

I am Blessed

Today I take a step back and realize that regardless of what is going on in the world around me or even in my own personal life, daily tasks, etc that I am blessed beyond measure. We are always so quick to say “woe is me” when life doesn’t go our way but instead of doing that. Why don’t we stop and think of all we are thankful for. Of God’s many blessings, those great and those small.

·         I am blessed to have a husband with a heart for God. A man who still loves me after a very trying 13 years together. A man who has stuck by me through thick and thin, laughed with me, cried with me, celebrated with me, mourned with me and who never wavered in his love for me.

·         I am blessed with two beautiful children who are and will always be my miracles. They are the proof of God’s great love for us and that He truly does still perform miracles in the here and now. Two children who make me smile each day with their love, their hugs, and their laughter. I could never imagine myself without children in my life and now I can’t imagine my life without the ones I’ve got.

·         I am blessed to be a part of a church that preaches the word of God straight from the KJV bible and who practices what they preach. It’s amazing to say that I’ve been a Christian more than half of my life and only in the last few years have I really “learned” what that truly means. I’m so grateful to have a church that challenges me, inspires me and holds me accountable.

·         I am blessed with amazing friends who continue to be my saving grace sometimes. Friends who, no matter the distance, are always there for me. Who I can count on for a pick-me-up or a day out just to rejuvenate myself from the crazy life and schedule I sometimes have. I may not have many friends but the ones I do are worth the world to me.

·         I am blessed with a house, a roof over my head, and a shelter from the world around me. It may not be much and in fact I may complain about it more than anything else but it’s ours and it’s functional. There may be a lack of room and a lot of work that needs done to it but it’s ours and it’s functional.

·         I am blessed with a running vehicle that provides me and my family with transportation to and from work, to and from church, to and from wherever we are going. And I’m blessed that it provides us with room to take others with us and/or for us to grow in should we need that room.

·         I am blessed with a job. It may not be a dream job but after tasting for just a few months the sting of unemployment, I’d rather have any job than no job at all. It may not pay the bills but it helps to provide for our needs. It’s finally a job working in the field I went to school for so maybe I can finally stop regretting the time and money I spent to get the extra degree almost five years ago.

·         But above all I am blessed to serve a risen Savior. A God who loved me so much, before the world was even formed, that He knew he’d send his Son to save us. A world that was lost and in darkness, was given form and made light. A Savior, who was crucified, bled and died, to cover my sin and my shame and to pay my debt on Calvary. A Savior who is with me daily as I read my bible, as I say my prayers, when I call upon His name. He hears every prayer, sees every hurt, wipes away every tear, He rejoices when we rejoice and He still answers our prayers and provides in ways that we can’t on our own. He’s merciful, He’s simply amazing and I’m blessed to serve Him!

Goals, Strength, and Weaknesses Oh My!

In getting “back to basics” this week I’m already realizing that there is so much to change. I have great goals for this year (in my opinion) for myself, for my family, for our household as a whole. I know that there are some areas where I have great strengths that will help to carry me through. I also realize that with every strength is a weakness that can hold me back if I let it. I’m notorious for putting things off for another day or another time, making excuses as to why I can’t start now. This is the first thing I need to overcome. Do not put off for tomorrow for tomorrow may never come. I don’t want to look back and have regret over not acting sooner. Each day I need to wake up and say “today is a new day” and start fresh.

My bible reading has continued but at a slower pace. I need to force myself to take that time out daily; I need to make it a routine that even my children recognize. It’s something that I need not only for myself but for my family as well. My husband, my children – they all need to see that mommy values and needs her daily time out with God. I know that when I’m in the word and soaking it up my days are better. When I lack and fall behind then I have moments of weakness, times when I’m too hard on myself or I let the “world” consume me. I need to hold tight to the verse “with God all things are possible.” Keeping Him as my center of focus, day in and day out, giving Him the time He deserves with me will help in so many positive ways.

Dieting so far in 2011 has been successful. Three weeks in and I’m down 5+ lbs. I’m choosing to celebrate every milestone, even something as seemingly small as 5 lbs because 5 lbs + 5 lbs is 10 lbs and another 5 lbs to that is 15 and so on. Each 5 lb milestone counts towards the big total. I’m now down below 160 lbs for the first time since before I got pregnant with my daughter. It may not be noticeable yet but I’m thrilled with it. 5 lbs down, 30 more to go! Weight Watchers has been helpful, having the tools I need to make the right kinds of meals to get my through has been awesome. I now know what we can eat, what sizes are appropriate and how to manage/curb cravings. Now it’s time to factor in some exercise and daily activity…beyond the standard walking and chasing the kids that I do on a daily basis.

Our financial goal was met with a blow to start the year as we are once again behind. You can’t move forward while being behind, it just doesn’t work. So right now the short term is to get caught up but we still have great plans to pay down and pay off debt in 2011. There are “extras” coming our way throughout the year in the form of raises, possibly a tax return, Christmas bonuses, etc but we don’t want to count on those factors. We hope for them, pray for them even as we know they’ll help, but we aren’t going to rely solely on those to get us through the year. We want to use those “extras” as extras. We hope to use those to pay down and pay off debts rather than use them in our month to month or week to week where we fall short. We want to use the extra to help our church, to give to Missions, to help others in need. It’s been such a long time since we were able to do that and it’s something that Josh and I have a heart for, helping others when and where we can. Lord, help us make this a reality in our lives. Help us to be strong witnesses for you.

Back to Basics

Today our church revealed it's goals for 2011 with the theme "Back to the Basics" and I thought it was a perfect theme for the year. This is a good sum up of how I want 2011 to go for us here at home too. For  us to get back to the basics, back to the way things were before they got complicated, unorganized, and crazy. The pastor is challenging 10 new people to train as soul winners and 40 people to read through their bibles through a year. I'm up for that challenge and I believe that Josh is up for the soul winners challenge. I just need to be more supportive of him doing so.
I'm stll reading in Proverbs but haven't had as much time as I would like to read for almost a full week. Main reason being that both kids have been sick with high fevers lasting about 3 days a piece. But now both are well and we can get back into our regular routine. Having a pastor who not only tells you that you "should" read through your bible but challenges you is helpful. I know he'll help to keep us accountable. Josh said that the youth pastor and his wife want to have us and the kids out at some point too so that's encouraging. We want to be involved and our gift seems to be with kids and youth. I'm interested in seeing where that grows/develops in the future.
So anyway, "back to basics" let's get this right this year. Back to the bible, back to prayer, back to putting God first and everything else after, for making my testimony go before me and carry me through instead of conforming in any way to the standards of this world. Lord, with you as my Helper and Friend I can make it through this time, through this change and through this year. This and any other area that may need help or correction. Lord I pray that you continue to strengthen my marriage, give us patience and understanding and strength as we strive to raise our children up for you, help us to make the best decisions that we can with our money so that we can get back on top, get caught up and stay current going forward. That we can make major progress with less struggling on a weekly basis. We pray always expecting great things. Amen!

The start of the new year....

I usually don't make new years resolutions, this year I did. The only problem is, I may have set them a bit too high. Our year has started, we are almost two years in, but it's not started out as we had hoped. We are still behind with our finances with a short income in the month of January due to make lack of holiday pay. This upset me a good amount because I have such high hopes for getting our debt under control this year. When I allow it to beat me down right from the start, that isn't helpful. I have to keep praising God, when things are going our way and when they aren't. God has a plan and a purpose for this time in our lives. Yes, we may be struggling right now but we still have a home to live in, food on the table, clothes on our back, vehicles to drive, jobs that we enjoy and that provide us with the income to do all these things. We are behind because of our own spending issues, we should have saved more before the kids came along, we should have used better restraint in the things we bought that we didn't need. By "we" I should really be saying "me" - I'm the one who has taken over the check book, been paying all the bills but also the one who does the majority of the shopping and I'm the one who has struggled with impulse shopping. Buying things that I want or we want or that I think the kids want/need that weren't actually needs.
Now, being able to admit my fault is just part of the process. I need to learn to better budget, to involve my husband and partner in life, to turn things around without letting them take over me. My problem is that income and finances set me off and stress me out quicker than a toddler's tantrum....but that doesn't make it right. The right reaction should be to pray first, act later. I need to be giving the situation to God, praising him for providing for our needs and praying for the means by which to get caught up and back on schedule. If it's meant to be, then it will be. If it isn't meant to be then we'll continue to survive just as we have been. But I have to be able to fully give this to God, to stop taking it back, to exercise faith in Him providing. Step out in faith, trust, hope in the future - I need to work on these areas.
Lord, I love you. Thank you for your provisions, for your love and for your mercy. I'm laying our finances at your feet, our circumstances aren't new, you know of our every need. Lord, help to build my faith that I may trust this issue into your hands and not take it back. I must realize that we only have the money that our income provides, I need to live within those means. We may continue to struggle but if we can be faithful and just with you, you will return our obedience to full measure. As Josh and I are figuring out, or being convicted of, we can't be trusted with much if we can't take care of the little that you've given us. Again, our intentions are good and pure, help us to meet our goals by helping to give us wisdom and guidance. See us through this trial and walk with us through this fire, we know that we'll come out better on the other side. With you, all things are possible, we know this and believe this and pray trusting this. In your name we pray, expecting great things!