Forgive Me for my Unbelief

Lately I’ve been emotional to say the least. My sweet miracle boy is about to turn 3 and that is enough to do me in. Then my husband and I have a conversation about why I hug and kiss on Ethan so much and I broke down realizing that I do this knowing in my heart that there is going to come a day when he isn’t going to want hugs and kisses all the time from mom, when rather than coming to me for them he’ll be pushing me away. Now that I’m a mom myself I understand so much more about my own mother and how she still feels about her “babies” even though we are now 29 and 23 respectively. No matter how the days and years are passing me by, he is and will always be my baby. Same with Abby girl, I look at her and realize how much she’s grown and changed in a year and even in the last few weeks and know that the time is coming when she too isn’t going to want all my affection.

Beyond just being emotional I’m also struggling and frazzled when it comes to our financial situation. I feel like I’m on repeat or on a broken record that keeps skipping and sending me backwards. We live on a two week basis as best as we can bill wise. My checks simply can’t do the work that Josh’s can. However, it typically means that things aren’t paid when they are due if we run out of money before we get to them and then we are behind. We have people calling us, texting us, emailing us to remind us that we are past due – we know that! If I had the money, you’d already be paid! It’s days like this where my flesh is weak and tired and just wants to give up. I pray, I cry, I vent, I pray some more yet I feel like it goes nowhere. Sure I recover and move on with life but then the next week or next pay period I’m in the same funk for a day or two.

However, today was a day that set me straight. God smacked my hand and said “I’m here, just be patient and listen.” In my lunchtime reading, which was only 15 minutes long, my reading took me to Psalms 22 and I cried some more. I had just prayed the whole trip from Wal-Mart back to work, tears in my eyes and a frog in my throat….so desperate to be heard, so tired of the struggle. Psalms 22 starts off “My God, my God, why hast though forsaken me? Why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring (lamentations)? O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent. But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.”

This is exactly how I felt as I prayed. I keep praying, my heart is burdened, my faith is tested, my flesh is tired and weak….do you hear me Lord? Do you see how this affects me? And not only me, Lord, but my children, my husband, my family unit? Do you see how this torments me and frustrates me and how that affects my mood, my state of mind, and my faith testimony? I know that You are mighty to save Lord, I know that You see us where we are and You knew we’d be here long before we did. You are the all powerful, all knowing, everlasting Father in Heaven and you will NEVER leave us or forsake us. All that I can continue to do is pray, seek your face, do what is right by You and Your Word and trust that in due time You will provide for our every need as You see fit. Lord, forgive me for my unbelief, I’m counting on you.