Grace will see us through

I’ve been doing a lot of praying lately, a lot of searching for ways to better myself and my walk with God. I know I fall short constantly but I am aiming for more…it’s just a matter of staying the course. We are still struggling week to week financially and while we continue to pray that God will meet our needs and meet us where we are, we also continue to pray for revival. The struggles that we are facing are really no different then so many others, the economy has taken a fall over the past few years and many of us are feeling the effects of that. However, we have God on our side and we hold tight to that knowledge, power and understanding that only He can give us.

Grace seems to be a recurring theme in my life over the last week or so. God’s grace is sufficient for us. It’s by His grace that we are saved, that our sins are forgiven and we can find peace and comfort in His grace. But I loved this; grace is the gift that God gave us. It’s a gift, straight from Him! Man that alone gives me so much comfort. I tell you, there have been so many times lately where I’ve just been so frazzled, so torn over the little things and it just about kills me because I know – hey, this isn’t right, this is Satan saying “a ha, I got you where I want you” and I have to remember that God’s grace is with me.

Ms. Dawn gave a great little message Tuesday night at the Ladies Fellowship; it wasn’t a long message because we had just watched an hour long movie. But what she said stuck with me. We have to be patient and wait on God, He’s in control of His time table and it may not be instant like we always want. Healing isn’t instant, money doesn’t fall from the trees, live may change in the blink of an eye for some but for others it requires waiting. When we feel so discouraged, so troubled and we feel we can’t go on one more second…..that might just have been the second that God has His hand over us waiting to bless us and we missed it all because we gave up the fight.

I have to remember that we didn’t get into this situation over night and we won’t get out of it over night either. I have to stay in this time of trial knowing that God is using this to bless us. It sure may not feel like a blessing right now and yes there are times that I just want to quit, to say we’ve done all we can….oh but wait – there it is again. “We’ve” done all we can, it’s not about us. It’s about Him. He has a plan and purpose in all of this and we (mainly me) need to realize that. I can’t give in, I can’t give up, I can’t quit because I don’t want to miss out on God’s richest blessings. He could, if it was His will, bless us with millions tomorrow (my God is a big God, He really could do that) but would I really see the true victory there or would I take it for granted and run?

I’m in this time of trial to learn from my mistakes. I’m in this time of trial to learn how to be patient and wait upon the Lord. I’m in this time of trial because God is working in me. So rather than complain about it, play the “woe is me” card on myself making me feel sad, abandoned and frustrated with God for not answering my prayers the way I want…..I should instead just focus on saying “thank you God for being here with me, for walking with us through this fire, for refining us that we may shine for You!” So Lord, I thank you! I know you are with me, I feel your presence, and I see you and feel you in the words I read from the book of Psalms. I’m grateful for everything you’ve given me. I have so much to be thankful for and that’s where my focus should be. I love you Lord!

Ok God, I'm listening!

So I got through the day yesterday realizing that my prayers weren’t in vain, it’s just a part of the trials of life and I will persevere…..then comes today! Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers and for slapping me in my face when I needed it most. I got a great wakeup call in the form of not only a daily devotion but also in my daily reading. Talk about the Word of God coming forth at just the time you need it most. I love days like this.

It started with a daily devotion that Josh receives from Old Paths Journal and Brother Allen Domelle. If you’ve never met Allen Domelle, he’s a great evangelist and digs deep into a simple passage of scripture to drive home a message. This morning’s message was called “Where Is God?” and it sums up what I was feeling yesterday to a T. This part really got me:

 “Christian, one of the greatest tests that you will ever face in your Christian walk is to see how long you will continue to do right even when you don't seem to know where God's presence is. There are going to be times in your life when trials are present and you won't be able to find God.  There will be times when you are going through the greatest turmoil of your life and though you will feel that you really need to feel God's presence you will feel all alone. 

It is in these times when you must continue to go forward, for this is part of God's purification process.  Part of God's purification process is to hide Himself from you to see if you will continue doing right when you don't seem to know where He is.  The reason God does this is because this proves to Him if you are real.  This proves to God that you believe doing right is the right thing to do even when God's presence is not felt.  ”

Yes, I feel like I’m walking through this fire alone sometimes but then I realize, He’s always there. He’s counting on me to continue to show my faith through any and all circumstances. As the Pastor said a few weeks ago, it’s when we are in the fire that our true colors show – I fail in this area (finances) every single time. Nothing sets me off like our financial situation and that seems to be drawing plenty of attention from Satan because he keeps using it to attack me on a daily, weekly, monthly and for the last two years – annual basis! What I need to realize most of all is that if God can bring me to it, He will be there with me and He will walk beside me through it all – even when I don’t feel His presence. He is the all knowing, all powerful, mighty God who was and is and is to come. Nothing is too powerful for Him, including helping us to overcome our debt issues.

Then we get into my Bible reading for today. Keep in mind I’m reading through the book of Psalms right now which took me through Chapters 25-32 today. In Psalm 27 I was reminded in verse 1 that I have nothing to fear as the word says “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” Then again in Psalm 28 verse 7 reads “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.” In these two verses I’m reminded that #1 God IS my strength, He is my help in time of trouble, He is my strength, my light and my salvation. This world may get me down and out but I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, who wants the best for me, who is always with me. What more could I want or need in life aside from that knowledge there. This world is not my home, it’s just my temporary home until I graduate to glory and reside in my final resting place. I can’t take anything of this world with me when I’m gone, why do I let it control me so much?! My biggest issue is always in letting go and letting God. I can give it to Him in prayer and take it right back the next time things come to a head. All I can do is ask for people to keep me accountable and keep me stay grounded in my faith, in my trust and in the Lord.

Forgive Me for my Unbelief

Lately I’ve been emotional to say the least. My sweet miracle boy is about to turn 3 and that is enough to do me in. Then my husband and I have a conversation about why I hug and kiss on Ethan so much and I broke down realizing that I do this knowing in my heart that there is going to come a day when he isn’t going to want hugs and kisses all the time from mom, when rather than coming to me for them he’ll be pushing me away. Now that I’m a mom myself I understand so much more about my own mother and how she still feels about her “babies” even though we are now 29 and 23 respectively. No matter how the days and years are passing me by, he is and will always be my baby. Same with Abby girl, I look at her and realize how much she’s grown and changed in a year and even in the last few weeks and know that the time is coming when she too isn’t going to want all my affection.

Beyond just being emotional I’m also struggling and frazzled when it comes to our financial situation. I feel like I’m on repeat or on a broken record that keeps skipping and sending me backwards. We live on a two week basis as best as we can bill wise. My checks simply can’t do the work that Josh’s can. However, it typically means that things aren’t paid when they are due if we run out of money before we get to them and then we are behind. We have people calling us, texting us, emailing us to remind us that we are past due – we know that! If I had the money, you’d already be paid! It’s days like this where my flesh is weak and tired and just wants to give up. I pray, I cry, I vent, I pray some more yet I feel like it goes nowhere. Sure I recover and move on with life but then the next week or next pay period I’m in the same funk for a day or two.

However, today was a day that set me straight. God smacked my hand and said “I’m here, just be patient and listen.” In my lunchtime reading, which was only 15 minutes long, my reading took me to Psalms 22 and I cried some more. I had just prayed the whole trip from Wal-Mart back to work, tears in my eyes and a frog in my throat….so desperate to be heard, so tired of the struggle. Psalms 22 starts off “My God, my God, why hast though forsaken me? Why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring (lamentations)? O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent. But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.”

This is exactly how I felt as I prayed. I keep praying, my heart is burdened, my faith is tested, my flesh is tired and weak….do you hear me Lord? Do you see how this affects me? And not only me, Lord, but my children, my husband, my family unit? Do you see how this torments me and frustrates me and how that affects my mood, my state of mind, and my faith testimony? I know that You are mighty to save Lord, I know that You see us where we are and You knew we’d be here long before we did. You are the all powerful, all knowing, everlasting Father in Heaven and you will NEVER leave us or forsake us. All that I can continue to do is pray, seek your face, do what is right by You and Your Word and trust that in due time You will provide for our every need as You see fit. Lord, forgive me for my unbelief, I’m counting on you.

Challenges and Insight

This has been a week where I was given a challenge, felt a challenge and gathered insight. I’d say that’s a productive week. The challenge came from Pastor as we prepare for Friends Day at the church coming on February 27^th. Each week he has laid out a special challenge for us as a church to do, to help prepare our hearts and minds for Friends Day. This week the challenge was to memorize Matthew 17:18-21. I had to break it down into segments and I do still trip over the wording but for the most part I have it. Just typing it from memory it’s:

And Jesus rebuked the devil, and he departed out from him, and the child was cured from that very hour. And the disciples came to Jesus apart and asked “why could not we cast him out” and Jesus said if you have faith as a grain of a mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain remove hence from yonder place and it will be removed. For this kind comes only from prayer and fasting.

Going back to my bible I see where words are missing and even a full sentence as the scripture reads:

And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour. (Got that right)

Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, why could not we cast him out? (Got that right too)

And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; for nothing shall be impossible unto you. (Forgot “because of your unbelief” and messed up the end a little, didn’t even have the last part of the verse)

Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting. (Ah yes, “howbeit” and goeth instead of comes not out by)

I’m still working on it though. :0 Next week is where I’m a little more nervous but I’m excited at the same time. Next week’s challenge is to fast 3 meals. I’ve never fasted other than when I had to have blood work done and it was overnight, blood drawn early in the morning and off to breakfast I went. I can usually fast breakfast without thinking too much about it but then my husband challenged me there too. If fasting is easy, is it really fasting for God? Isn’t fasting supposed to be the giving up of something for Him? I truly don’t know. I need to do my research, get all the facts and do this the right way.

So that was the challenge I was given. The challenge I felt came from my constant worry and anxiety over our financial well-being. Getting notices on an every other day basis doesn’t help me to put that anxiety at bay for long. But I have a wonderful husband who quoted a beautiful section of song to show me that we will get through this. Then (of course this had to be a Wednesday) at church that night Pastor was preaching on trials and struggles and how we should embrace them, entertain them, welcome them. For if God is putting us through this trial or struggle it’s because He deems of worthy of the refiner’s fire knowing that we will learn from this, we will grow from this and that the true test of our faith will be seen through this. Man, talk about a slap in the face. My true faith colors are not passing I can tell you that. I want to give in to the flesh, give up when times are rough, and rely on someone or something else to make it better or easier instead of trusting in God, praying to God or doing for myself what can be done. This is something that I know I will continue to work on and probably struggle with daily but then I’m reminded of the verse where he says “you have not because you ask not” – if I’m taking this burden on my own shoulders, not asking for help, how can I be mad when help doesn’t come? See, I’m learning so much these days J

The insight comes in realizing that finally, after saying I never knew what it was like, the Word is speaking to me. I find myself with highlighter in hand as I begin my reading each day. I have made up for a little of the lost time in my Bible reading this week by covering some of the smaller books of the Bible, reading more than just 2-3 chapters yet I’m always highlighting something. Whether it’s a word or a phrase or a situation, it’s speaking to me and I find great joy and insight in that because I realize that means God is with me. I’ve always said it, always had it in the back of my mind but yet always wondered as I see His presence in the big things of life but not the ordinary every day. What a beautiful motivator, to feel God with you! Could it be that the changes I’m trying to put forth are showing for the work and cause of Christ? I don’t know, only time will tell.

Money = The Root Of All Evil!

Man can I admit to that saying now. Money is one thing that can stress me out quicker than anything in this life and that includes my children on days they are particularly fussy. As the scripture says “the borrower is servant to the lender” and in our case that couldn’t be more true. Josh and I have struggled more than we care to admit over the past few years. It’s a situation where you live and learn but in our case we are wondering if we’ll make it out alive! We should have saved more when we were making better money and had no children, we should never have accrued so much credit card debt, we should have looked into our options when it came to student loans (which are one of our sorest issues right now) and we should have planned ahead better than we ever did. Now we finally have the children we always wanted and we can’t always provide for them in the ways that we’d like. Sure they always have food and milk, clothes on their backs, a nice warm house to sleep in, beds to sleep in, etc. But sometimes we’ve had to ask/borrow from my parents or my grandma and that just eats me up inside.

When I was a child/teenager I worked to help pay for those things that I wanted or needed. I paid for my first car, I paid for my insurance, I put the gas in, etc. I used to pride myself on having things so together. For being only 20 years old when we bought our first home (never did I imagine that 8 years and 2 kids later we’d still be in that same house) and for never having a late notice that wasn’t by accident or anything shut off. I saw my friends go through issues in this area, not being able to afford to buy a home, having cell phones, cable, internet, lights, etc turned off….and I could never imagine going through that. Now I’m getting letters and calls from the mortgage company asking if our home is still being resided in and if we need help saving it from foreclosure. Oh, what a heavy heart this gives me. How did we end up here? How do we get out of this darkness and back into the light? Is there a purpose behind this entire struggle?

Sure I have great plans of savings and paying off debt but how do I get there if we are consistently behind from month to month. We always have more month left at the end of our money which carries us into the next month which in turn causes us to pay yet one (or two or three) more thing(s) behind and so the cycle flows in our house. Our monthly debt is seriously $1000 less than what we bring in on average per month. And with this $1000 we are supposed to get groceries each week (with two kids in diapers), get gas in our vehicles to get us back and forth to work, to tithe off the top our 10% first fruits, pay a babysitter to watch our kids so that we can both go to work…….do you see where the math just doesn’t add up? We are always in need of more and yet to earn more seems to require us to spend more. This is why I get so discouraged sometimes. I just want what is best for my family, how do we do that and still get by without the income to pay the bills in full each month? We can’t qualify for a loan to get us caught up because we are behind on our payments, not to mention our debt to income ratio is already far above what they are willing to lend to. We can’t ask anyone else for money knowing that while we intend to pay them back, with our debt and struggle it would take quite some time.

Lord, I know it’s a selfish request but please help us out here. Know that our intentions are good and pure. It’s you that we serve in this life, it shouldn’t be our debt. But until we find a means of getting out of our debt we continue to be a servant to the lender. The evil lender has us until their control and they are taking from us what we’d rather give to you, rather save for the future, for our children, and so much more. We give you thanks and praise for always providing for our needs but now, as much as I hate to say it, we need more than just that. We need some extra. You’ve given us extra lately and we’ve paid things off we’ve felt some burden lifted in a time where we needed it and we thank you. We didn’t squander that extra on frivolous things; we spent in where it was needed – on hospital bills. Now we need it to catch up our mortgage, to get us caught up on the month so we can start the next month fresh and on top of things. Lord, we need your guidance on how to lessen our spending. We already have done so by quite some bit but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I know that the other option is for Josh or I to get a second job but that takes us away from each other and the children in a time of life when I feel they need us most. However, if this is your will for our lives than show us, give us the sign or the nudge and we’ll go. Lord, let us be a testimony for you in yet one more way where we can lift our hands and say “only by the grace of God have we made it through this fire.” It’s in your name that we pray, expecting great things, AMEN!

I am Blessed

Today I take a step back and realize that regardless of what is going on in the world around me or even in my own personal life, daily tasks, etc that I am blessed beyond measure. We are always so quick to say “woe is me” when life doesn’t go our way but instead of doing that. Why don’t we stop and think of all we are thankful for. Of God’s many blessings, those great and those small.

·         I am blessed to have a husband with a heart for God. A man who still loves me after a very trying 13 years together. A man who has stuck by me through thick and thin, laughed with me, cried with me, celebrated with me, mourned with me and who never wavered in his love for me.

·         I am blessed with two beautiful children who are and will always be my miracles. They are the proof of God’s great love for us and that He truly does still perform miracles in the here and now. Two children who make me smile each day with their love, their hugs, and their laughter. I could never imagine myself without children in my life and now I can’t imagine my life without the ones I’ve got.

·         I am blessed to be a part of a church that preaches the word of God straight from the KJV bible and who practices what they preach. It’s amazing to say that I’ve been a Christian more than half of my life and only in the last few years have I really “learned” what that truly means. I’m so grateful to have a church that challenges me, inspires me and holds me accountable.

·         I am blessed with amazing friends who continue to be my saving grace sometimes. Friends who, no matter the distance, are always there for me. Who I can count on for a pick-me-up or a day out just to rejuvenate myself from the crazy life and schedule I sometimes have. I may not have many friends but the ones I do are worth the world to me.

·         I am blessed with a house, a roof over my head, and a shelter from the world around me. It may not be much and in fact I may complain about it more than anything else but it’s ours and it’s functional. There may be a lack of room and a lot of work that needs done to it but it’s ours and it’s functional.

·         I am blessed with a running vehicle that provides me and my family with transportation to and from work, to and from church, to and from wherever we are going. And I’m blessed that it provides us with room to take others with us and/or for us to grow in should we need that room.

·         I am blessed with a job. It may not be a dream job but after tasting for just a few months the sting of unemployment, I’d rather have any job than no job at all. It may not pay the bills but it helps to provide for our needs. It’s finally a job working in the field I went to school for so maybe I can finally stop regretting the time and money I spent to get the extra degree almost five years ago.

·         But above all I am blessed to serve a risen Savior. A God who loved me so much, before the world was even formed, that He knew he’d send his Son to save us. A world that was lost and in darkness, was given form and made light. A Savior, who was crucified, bled and died, to cover my sin and my shame and to pay my debt on Calvary. A Savior who is with me daily as I read my bible, as I say my prayers, when I call upon His name. He hears every prayer, sees every hurt, wipes away every tear, He rejoices when we rejoice and He still answers our prayers and provides in ways that we can’t on our own. He’s merciful, He’s simply amazing and I’m blessed to serve Him!

Goals, Strength, and Weaknesses Oh My!

In getting “back to basics” this week I’m already realizing that there is so much to change. I have great goals for this year (in my opinion) for myself, for my family, for our household as a whole. I know that there are some areas where I have great strengths that will help to carry me through. I also realize that with every strength is a weakness that can hold me back if I let it. I’m notorious for putting things off for another day or another time, making excuses as to why I can’t start now. This is the first thing I need to overcome. Do not put off for tomorrow for tomorrow may never come. I don’t want to look back and have regret over not acting sooner. Each day I need to wake up and say “today is a new day” and start fresh.

My bible reading has continued but at a slower pace. I need to force myself to take that time out daily; I need to make it a routine that even my children recognize. It’s something that I need not only for myself but for my family as well. My husband, my children – they all need to see that mommy values and needs her daily time out with God. I know that when I’m in the word and soaking it up my days are better. When I lack and fall behind then I have moments of weakness, times when I’m too hard on myself or I let the “world” consume me. I need to hold tight to the verse “with God all things are possible.” Keeping Him as my center of focus, day in and day out, giving Him the time He deserves with me will help in so many positive ways.

Dieting so far in 2011 has been successful. Three weeks in and I’m down 5+ lbs. I’m choosing to celebrate every milestone, even something as seemingly small as 5 lbs because 5 lbs + 5 lbs is 10 lbs and another 5 lbs to that is 15 and so on. Each 5 lb milestone counts towards the big total. I’m now down below 160 lbs for the first time since before I got pregnant with my daughter. It may not be noticeable yet but I’m thrilled with it. 5 lbs down, 30 more to go! Weight Watchers has been helpful, having the tools I need to make the right kinds of meals to get my through has been awesome. I now know what we can eat, what sizes are appropriate and how to manage/curb cravings. Now it’s time to factor in some exercise and daily activity…beyond the standard walking and chasing the kids that I do on a daily basis.

Our financial goal was met with a blow to start the year as we are once again behind. You can’t move forward while being behind, it just doesn’t work. So right now the short term is to get caught up but we still have great plans to pay down and pay off debt in 2011. There are “extras” coming our way throughout the year in the form of raises, possibly a tax return, Christmas bonuses, etc but we don’t want to count on those factors. We hope for them, pray for them even as we know they’ll help, but we aren’t going to rely solely on those to get us through the year. We want to use those “extras” as extras. We hope to use those to pay down and pay off debts rather than use them in our month to month or week to week where we fall short. We want to use the extra to help our church, to give to Missions, to help others in need. It’s been such a long time since we were able to do that and it’s something that Josh and I have a heart for, helping others when and where we can. Lord, help us make this a reality in our lives. Help us to be strong witnesses for you.